Jeremy…husband of Catherine, father of Ben, Simeon, Tom, Joshua & Lydia. Up until the end of April 2015, he was pastor/vicar of a group of churches on the edge of Exeter in Devon, UK. In early October 2014, aged 48, he was diagnosed with advanced cancer, a stage four malignant melanoma presenting as a tumour on his lungs. The usual life expectancy is 8-12 months. Then, in late December 2014, 23 year old Ben suffered a seizure. After prolonged medical care for what was most likely to have been a viral infection affecting his brain, Ben died in April 2015. Jeremy has up until recently seemed to have responded well to pioneering immunotherapy treatments that can extend life, but from September 2016 is now facing the fresh development of brain tumours and potentially now just months to live. On January 27th 2017 Jeremy took his last breath and went to be his Lord and Saviour. The family share their thoughts, feelings and reflections as they taJeremy…husband of Catherine, father of Ben, Simeon, Tom, Joshua & Lydia. Up until the end of April 2015, he was pastor/vicar of a group of churches on the edge of Exeter in Devon, UK. In early October 2014, aged 48, he was diagnosed with advanced cancer, a stage four malignant melanoma presenting as a tumour on his lungs. The usual life expectancy is 8-12 months. Then, in late December 2014, 23 year old Ben suffered a seizure. After prolonged medical care for what was most likely to have been a viral infection affecting his brain, Ben died in April 2015. Jeremy has up until recently seemed to have responded well to pioneering immunotherapy treatments that can extend life, but from September 2016 is now facing the fresh development of brain tumours and potentially now just months to live. On January 27th 2017 Jeremy took his last breath and went to be with his Lord and Saviour. The family share their thoughts, feelings and reflections as they take this painful and unexpected journey.

Hurdles and Tripwires

 

IFTE-NB-001787As a child, I used to love having fun in our garden with my magnifying glass, focussing the sun’s rays on all sorts of things – dry leaves, fire crackers, patches of grass – and watching the sometimes fiery effect. Drawing all that light and heat, directing it onto one spot, was enormous fun for a curious, if not somewhat mischievous, ten year old boy.

Whilst last Thursday wasn’t what I would call great fun, it was a day that did see us at times smiling and laughing. But it was a day that felt like lots of events were being focussed into a magnifying glass and concentrated into one place, one day. As well as it being the first anniversary of Ben’s death, it was Joshua’s 19th birthday and the day for receiving results from my latest PET scan of the previous week. Time gently propelled us from one event to another through the day. A walk mid-morning near Broadclyst with my parents-in-law to the spot where, on the 27th December 2014, Ben suffered the seizure that led to his four month hospitalisation, was followed by a family pub lunch. Onwards then we went, in the early afternoon, to the hospital for my results followed by a visit to Mardon House, Ben’s home for his last 3 months, to leave some memorial flowers. Lyn, Bernard and the staff welcomed us so warmly and as we sat over a cup of tea with them, so many recalled how special Ben had become to them while he was there and how they still remembered him so fondly. We were able to spend a few quiet moments alone in his old room at Mardon – and in the space where he breathed his last breath – and let some tears fall.

After a visit to his grave to lay flowers, we managed to affect a change of gear and the day concluded with a good evening around the meal table with some close friends of Joshua joining us to celebrate his special day.     

Jeremy PET scan

Me in the PET scanner…a mobile one in a lorry trailer, contracted by the NHS that moves around the major hospitals in the south-west. The scan takes 45 mins

At the end of it all, we were tired, somewhat relieved, but thankful to Father for the way we’d been held. We felt the day had been marked suitably and that we’d done well. The fact that my scan results were generally positive helped matters enormously for us all. Using the very obvious tumour on my neck as a ‘marker’, it seems that there was an initial general shrinkage in most tumours in response to the Dabrafenib capsules over the weeks since February, but now the drug has started to loose its effect and there’s been an expansion again over the last two or three weeks. The result is that they all appear to be increasing again to their original sizes. Consequently, the scan showed everything more or less as it was on the previous one in January. The good news however is that there’s no evidence of anything new, and what tumours there are don’t currently appear in any life-threatening places. I’m now scheduled to start my new immunotherapy treatment on Friday 13th May. Although the new three weekly infusion of Pembrolizumab will mean careful event scheduling in our family diary – time away, holidays etc – I certainly won’t miss the current twice daily timetable of swallowing capsules as it’s limited when I could and couldn’t eat.

Care for the FamilyTen days ago, Catherine and I were able to attend a day in Worcester for bereaved parents organised by the superb UK Christian charity, Care for the Family. It was a heartening experience to be sitting together with others, all of whom were parents who’d lost a child – some in childhood, some as adults, some specifically to suicide. Sharing together in our smaller groups through the day, there was an unspoken understanding from all to each of the journey we’re together on. As Mike and Kath Coulson, leaders of Care for the Family’s HurdlesBereaved Parent Support spoke, they helpfully named something we’ve experienced both since my diagnosis and Ben’s death – hurdles and tripwires. The hurdles are the events you can plan for – anniversaries, Christmas, birthdays – times you know are coming and which you know will probably be difficult, but strangely can be relatively alright as you’ve braced for them. It’s the tripwires however you can’t plan for…they’re the problem. They’re the ones you can’t anticipate. A smell. A sight. A piece of music. A place. A word. And suddenly a strong memory appears and grief just catches you out again. For Catherine a few weeks ago, it was seeing a small boy wearing dungarees. She remembered four small Clark boys, including Ben, wearing them. She was so unexpectedly tripped up. And no one would necessarily know.

tripwireWe’re looking forward to the continuing get-togethers with these precious folk…it was so timely ahead of last Thursday’s anniversary. As we returned home to Devon that evening, we called in – invited – to Sam and Kirsty’s wedding reception in Nailsea. Sam had been one of Ben’s best men, and Ben would have been one of Sam’s. It was so great to be there to see them both. Sam had been such a loyal, close friend over many years. But I had to catch myself and swallow hard at one point as I saw a few of Ben’s old friends – many now married – and thought, “Ben and Dabi should have been here today. Why, Lord, why?” As I’m writing this now, my jaw is clamping and tears are forming. Tripwire moments. And if it’s me, it’a also numerous others in their losses…especially I think of the number of lovely people we met last Sunday when we spoke at Christ Church, Woodbury who’d lost children. It was a privilege to have them share with us afterwards and know a quiet understanding between us. But I also think of special family friend Carol, whose husband Neville, my godfather, died suddenly very recently. I particularly remember conversations out over coffee with him on my visits back to New Zealand over the years. I shall miss him.

Cereal with Strawberries and bibleAs Catherine and I sat with our good friends Matt and Louise Wilcox over breakfast last Saturday morning, having had them stay over with us the night before, we all read from the second chapter of John’s gospel in the Bible the account of Jesus at a wedding in Cana where he turned water into wine. As we pondered it, Matt remarked how noticeable it was that Mary, Jesus’ mother, when they ran out of wine, simply turned to him and said, “They have no more wine”. After what seems like a rebuff from her son in response, she quietly turns to the servants and says, “Do whatever he tells you”. And what follows is a sign that points to His identity.

But why the initial word from her to Jesus? Matt helpfully highlighted the sense in which it seems Mary knew. She knew whatever the situation, Jesus was bigger than it. For a couple getting married, Jesus saved them from the social shame and stigma within their culture of a ruined wedding party. But more than  that, there’s no situation, no loss, no lack, no grief, no nothing that ever catches Him out and leaves Him incapable to help, to be alongside us even when it seems to be in the darkest place, to give solace, hope, to transform, to forgive, to renew, to be what we need Him  – Emmanuel, God with us – to be.

He’s our continuing strength – our life. 

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Comments on: "Hurdles and Tripwires" (9)

  1. Kate Reed said:

    Thank you so much Jeremy. Your messages are always an inspiration. Will continue to pray for God’s peace for you & yours. Kate Reed (Riverside)

    Liked by 1 person

  2. The Newmans said:

    Thank you Jeremy. I do wish you well with the new treatment. My love,thoughts and prayers to you all as you go through this next challenge. Eileen

    Like

  3. Gwen M Adshead said:

    Thank you for your witness Jeremy. our Father’s love shines through you and your family’s suffering; and we your brothers and sisters thank you and Father for it. Grace in the darkest places…
    with love and prayers
    gwen

    Liked by 1 person

  4. joyce curtis said:

    Dear Jeremy,Thank you so much for reaching out through your words of comfort in spite of all the ongoing heartache you are all faced with.Even though I’ve been silent for some time you have all been daily in my thoughts and prayers especially so during the last few months as we have been spending much time travelling to Wonford Oncology as Chris as been receiving daily radiotherapy when a routine MOT blood test flagged up that things might not be ok. This was really unexpected as nothing indicated that anything was wrong but many tests and an operation proved otherwise.  He is now recovering from the treatment and we return on the 24th for the results. He has been amazingly strong throughout and I’ve been able to share with him how many people have been praying for him.Thank you again for all your encouragement without realizing!Love and peaceful blessings to you all.Joyce 

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Susan Lawrence said:

    As always your words minister life and love to others. We have been remembering you in prayer this past anniversary week and may God continue to be your strength and peace on this journey. We thank God for you both. With lots of love Susan and Michael Lawrence in Christchurch, NZ.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. The Newmans said:

    Dear Jeremy,

    What I also wanted to say was a special thank you for your blog/ email. The timing as always is very helpful and your words so appropriate. I was at a particularly low ebb trying to cope with income tax, lawyers etc. etc.

    After your letter, I went for a walk, and realised I don’t have to worry. I Was able to hand everything over to the Lord, feeling Him walking beside me. Why oh why is it that I think I can do it all myself? I should have learnt by now.
    The sun is shining and it is a glorious day. I sat on John’s favourite seat,near the beach and the church.
    Eileen

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Jennie Archer said:

    Thank you again so much you are such an inspiration. Mike’s news is that his tumour has not increased since the last chemo. So much better than we could have imagined at the beginning and we are getting so much joy spending time with friends and family times which maybe in the past we might have taken for granted but now are so precious.
    God bless you Jeremy and your family . I pray for you all often.
    Jennie

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Lorraine Williams said:

    Hi Jeremy and Catherine
    what an inspiration and an encouragement you both are . Even in the midst of turmoil and suffering we can see God’s goodness and mercy following you all the days your life. Praise the Lord .
    Blessings from Lorraine and Danny

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Kaye E Saunders said:

    Thank you both Jeremy and Josh for your thoughts, and being able to express the pain in a way that does point to our Heavenly Father, who IS able to carry us and comfort us. Praise be to Him!!!

    Liked by 1 person

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